Category Archives: Uncategorized

Wine, Words, & Thankfulness

We go through many phases in our lives and we desperately try to make sense of them. Things seem weird, overwhelming, and distracting. Loves come and go, wilds come and go. people come and go. We grow, we shrink, and we balance ourselves over and over again. We try our best knowing more now than we did before.

This coming weekend is a time to take stock of many of those things and check in on the direction we are heading on our journeys. Check in with yourself and see what you have to say.

I’ve been swimming more and more. The peace of being in the water really gives me time to take accounting of everything going on and silence my inner voice for a small time. It gives me time to dream while awake and just relax. I’m grateful for my time in the water and ever more and more realize how badly needed it is. Throw in an hour in the sauna and an hour of yoga and you have my perfect night.

Well, my perfect night when I get to then come home to snuggle my best girl.

She is always increasingly proving how smart she is and how wonderfully wild her strong spirit is. She loves fiercely and without question. She is the biggest fan of both making messes and snuggling I could ever dream of. She is pure love. I am grateful for her light in my life.

In the wake of all this, I realize I am going through something complicated and growth inducing almost every day. It’s like glitter going off in your brain, but it’s also hard. It’s harder than anything because it’s ever pressing forward without respite or time off. The forward motion is painful, but impossible to stop and I know that it can’t stop- that growth is life. That pushing forward is the hardest and most important thing I will ever have to do in this world. It’s a journey you take when there are no other options and when there is something more important than yourself at stake here.

Do you feel that ever growing burden of something more important than yourself growing from you and yet like everything is wildly out of control at every particular moment? That only in the big picture is it under some semblance of a control as it vaguely conforms to a larger plan? I think that is what being a grown up means. No breaks, double shifts, endless love.

Love harder, be stronger, keep it going.

I’m sending love, my cascade of snoweflakes. Keep strong.

Rainy Day, Man

Rainfall has been going strong all night and into the morning. The soft gentle patter like bad things breaking apart and washing free has been my steady companion while I sleep. I’ve been discarding the old and creating the new. Not creating from scratch, but from what I already have with some new things thrown in there for good measure. It’s a cathartic process. Of course, a little moon music is helping the morning transition. Perhaps the pumpkin coffee is an aid as well. There is something incredibly vulnerable about bare feet in the rain that rejoices in the weather just warm enough to warrant such adventures.

There is something lovely about rainy days teat permeates even the indoors. The light is softer, the sound is soft, the feeling is soft and calming. Perhaps that is why we associate rain with cleansing, with strong emotions, with a meditative contemplation often mistaken for sadness.

They are my favorite days. Gentle days are often my favorite days. As much as I love those days where you run at top speed whiling away the hours at something you love, there isn’t much time to take stock. These special soft days allow us to take stock. It repoints, sharpens, and clarifies our purpose; it comforts, calms, and slows us down immeasurably.

Water, itself, is a healing element. Water has many mercurial properties. Water is persistent and works around us with seeming gentleness, but is secretly a mighty force. That in itself is what it summarizes to work at things with a feminine energy. While we have the ability to force things, most of what the world desires of us requires nurturing.

It is important to nurture oneself most of all.

I once had a lecture from a producer about how if we don’t nurture ourselves first, we will never be able to take care of those around us. He used an example of breathing masks on an airplane (air sign) but as I’m in a watery mood today let’s modify that story to one with some relevance: if you are drowning and the person next to you is drowning, do you help them to stop drowning or take care of yourself first? Naturally, we are inclined to help others, but if you don’t stop to take stock of your own situation and find something to cling to in the water you have nothing to offer them in the way of true help. You two will end up clinging to each other as you both go down, but if you stop to find something floating nearby that you can cling to so that you are no longer drowning, you can then pull them over and help. You simply cannot help someone if you have nothing to offer if you yourself are in distress.

As a mother, self care is essential. I can feel myself slipping on the health aspect now and full plan to spend as much time possible this week drinking tea and taking naps whenever the little goddess goes down. I’ve created my own drifting float by staying far enough ahead of everything I need to do to be able to take this week to calmly focus on what is necessary and no more.

Everything else, let it go.

oXo kisses xOx,

Brenna

A Little R & R & R (Rest, Relaxation, Reiki)

Healing is an essential part of life, but one that we frequently overlook unless we are faced with an illness that won’t allow us to look away.

We hear lots of terms about preventative medicine. Get cardio three times a week, eat a veggie shake for breakfast, and skip desert, right? We neglect that every day, every moment we are creators of our own reality, our own lives, our own bodies. That may sound grandiose, but it’s really not. We know when things are unhealthy for us, when we are not getting the exercise we should, when we should be resting, but let other priorities get in the way. We do a few things on occasion and argue with ourselves that we’re really doing the best we can given our limitations of time, money, and the fact that Stranger Things just became available on Netflix and we really need to binge watch the entire season to stay current with our friends on Facebook. We lie.

Not even a real lie, we tell ourselves, but we’re tired and really wanted that piece of blueberry crumble because we’ve had a rough day. There’s really nothing wrong with that, we tell ourselves. And maybe there isn’t, but what it does is create a reserve inside of us, a space that needs healing and health. We store that place with all the thoughts of tomorrows and next weeks and how many miles we used to run instead of doing it today and now.

So, sometimes, we need to catch up on healing. Some days are there for us to entirely immerse in a safe, comfortable space of emotional, spiritual, and physical healing. As a new mother and an introvert, I have a hard time acquiring the space and time for these days myself. I end up relegating my quiet healing time to a few hours or a few minutes here or there and the result is feeling scattered and disjointed most days, feeling like I’ve never gotten enough sleep most days, and feeling like I need to escape most days.

There are absolutely wonderful moments in between these times and I wouldn’t want to give them up to run and hide somewhere, but the need to cocoon is strong. Especially as I’ve been genuinely ill this past week like I haven’t been since I did touring theatre productions to elementary schools. You haven’t known sickness until you’ve been nearly knocked over by a hug from thirty-five elementary school girls at once- all who presumably had different strains of colds and flus. It was a glorious time of life.

My personal journey into the land of healing today involves a lot of Reiki, tea, and cuddling watching My Little Pony. It is a glorious life and we plan to do a food tasting workshop later and then yoga on the beach. Well, I plan to yoga- she most likely plans to nap.

The point is; take those times, take those days. Make healing a priority in everything that you do. A simple reminder to ourselves to breathe and relax on that simple Sunday afternoon, and also, every afternoon- even just a little.Photo on 05-08-2014 at 14.56.jpg

Sexism is like totally still a thing, lol

So, the other day my father was saying some nasty things about the news anchor on CNN mostly about how no one wants to listen to anyone with that ugly face and then switched to another unnamed news channel and proceeded to tell me to shut up so he could listen to a man who… was not pleasing to the eye. When I asked why the woman’s face invalidates what she says, but the man here is not invalidated by his looks, he cursed me out and raised to volume to a preposterous level even using profanity. I let it go, but then just now he brought it back up shouting reams of more profanity and storming out of the room when I had asked him about something entirely unrelated. Maybe I hit a nerve the other night. Maybe systemic sexism is actually a thing. Maybe we all have to be aware of it.

Then this happened. This whole Melania Trump debacle. I have no words about the scandal itself except it seems designed to create controversy, but the type of controversy it creates doesn’t have to be in the hands of it’s creators. Simply put, I have seen so many people say such horrible things about a woman and assume it’s okay because their friends are mostly anti-Trump. This is never okay.

I rarely go onto my mother’s Facebook, but there I was sharing baby pictures and I stumbled upon something she had posted. My mother is an avid Hillary supporter. She comes from a time where the idea of a woman president was nearly unthinkable, indeed she couldn’t even wear pants or shorts to school in her day. She thinks the Republicans are funny and that they mock themselves- which, let’s not get into the whole rick rolling conspiracy of Melania’s speech. There is that cleverly cut video mashup of Melania and Michelle both giving the same speech side by side and my mother happened to have reposted it. I mean, of course she did- what Democrat isn’t up for the giggle of seeing another Trump camp fail, but then I read the comments. There were numerous snickers and giggles on there, lots of name calling and words like “mail order whore” Don’t think the Trump supporters didn’t get in there with their own barbs because the internet is nothing if not balanced in crazy irrational emotion led comments, but the overall sentiment was a snickering cascade of defamation at this woman who did nothing more than look beautiful and go out and deliver a speech. She was not bitchy, she was not slutty looking, she was not committing any sexual acts or receiving payment for them. I could not fathom why everyone was suddenly so comfortable denouncing her.

On the whole, the past few days has given me pause. We hear many young girls talking about how we no longer need feminism these days and how discrimination no longer exists, but perhaps the narrative needs to change. Perhaps the idea of what sexism is in the media is lost on most people because it is so subtle and because they feel so demonized for being called out on it these days. I am not a perfect person who has never said something petty about another girl as an easy slur, but I strive to be better than that. It is easy to attack a woman because it is something universally understood. It is much harder to attack an ideology because it is a complex and nuanced philosophy that requires understanding and analytical skills. Sometimes we are tired, sometimes we haven’t yet fully grasped what is upsetting us about something, sometimes we don’t even know what is upsetting us just that something is and cheap shots are there for that purpose, but they are just that cheap, meaningless, empty. Cheap shots do not really count because they don’t matter. They don’t illustrate the underlying issue at hand and we hide behind them because sometimes we are afraid to look at those dark parts of ourselves.

We cannot afford to hide the darkness anymore. It is only through confronting the actuality of what we feel, think, and believe that we can transform any of that into useful energy.

It seems grandiose to say we are creators of worlds, but it is true. What we think, feel, and believe is how we approach the world. It is how others interact with our own ideologies. Every word is important.

I will not be calling Melania a bitch, a bimbo, or a whore- or any other word- because she made a speech. I will not be calling any other woman whose ideology I am not in line with terrible names. I won’t even be calling those girls who were nasty to me at karaoke last week dumb sluts. I won’t be doing it because it gives them an out. Being a female and being called derogatory sexual names is par for the course. If you do something that makes you not a nice human being, then you are not a nice human being- you don’t get to write off that criticism as easily as you would just being called the array of terms generally thrown against women as applicable because of our possession of a vaginal cavity. It also doesn’t apply as a blanket term the way slurs do. I am actually required to figure out why I am upset with you first.

Stop being so lazy people, stop using slurs.

Subversion

I have learned.

I have learned to be wary.

I have learned to be cautious with my enthusiasm.

I have learned to stand alone.

I have learned.

Let no one in.

Stand alone.

Keep closed.

Show no weakness.

Smile.

I have learned…

I have learned to always smile.

Abide disrespect.

challenge nothing.

do not tip the boat.

be afraid.

I have learned…

but I do not abide.

Heavens to Bitsy

 

Morgan,

 

As you lay sleeping beside me I think of one thing, how to keep you safe. This thought haunts me, as well as tragedies I push off to alternate reality versions of myself, ruthless in my need for your safety as I never have been before. I could weather storms, withstand oceans, deserts, rainforests, love- all for you. You are my darling as I have never known before. A mother’s love- it is not a thing you think on or ponder or wither to and fro about like a romance, it is fact. There is one unwavering all encompassing fact in my life and you are it. Everything else wiggles around. You have become my compass, my north star, my guiding light. You are everything worth anything and my anything worth everything.

 

I have been waiting my whole life for you.

 

Now, I wish to feel again like a slim version of personhood. I am designing and delving into my character to create who I was, but a more detailed version of who I am. I am creating. Again.

 

How I can strive to create something when I have perfection in my grasp is truly what makes me an artist- for the arrogance of my soul must be at fault and yet… I create. I am to be myself again, not as I always was, but better; a witness to perfect, eternal love. You have washed my eyes in the sea and blessed me with air in my drowning gulps of this watery world, teaching me to swim, to breathe, to use my gills and swim free of all those things I left behind… while also being my chain.

You ground me and I thank you for it at the same time I grump on things about things about knowing I must return to my perch right now, tonight, but knowing this place is perfect because you in my arms is perfect, perfection I have been longing for my entire life.

 

You are my perfection which only makes me treasure your imperfection even stronglier.

I gasp.

I breathe.

I reveal.

I find who I was all along.

I welcome the change.

 

I am love. I know love. I love.

I have been pleading my whole life with Aphrodite, “make me love, make me love,” I would say, but I turned to Hera to make me love by becoming love by becoming mother, goddess, queen, loved. . . and love.

I snuggle her now in her perfect sleep and listen to the rushing of the water as it washes my soul and I realize that this is perfection. This night- it is perfection. She sleeps- it is perfection. This dream I am awake in- perfection.

 

This is motherhood.

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Little Morgan

How can you be so perfect?

Alright then,

carry on!

 

 

(Look at that little smile!)

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, shoots and stories and things to come, but I’ve been invested in a new paradigm lately and have been relearning how to invest myself.

 

Goodnight my Angels

Mama Gwyn Snowe

Mother Snowe

Mom.

Meet you by Moonlight, Greet you by Sunlight

The night is beginning to cool into a well placed evening. It’s been a long day fraught with peril and the pull of the moon. All in all, a great deal was accomplished and it was a well laden day. I do, however wish there were a few more hours so I could fit in a warm, snuggly nap.

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I hope all of you are getting in your naps during these warm April days. We are all seemingly unfazed by the idea of putting our own needs aside for some second purpose. I, myself, often wear my health to ribbons worrying about someone or something outside myself. This is such a path to ruination, though.

It is often said to love yourself first, but that is because few givers often do. We tend to empty the well until it runs dry and then continue to attempt to draw water and feed off the dry sand at the bottom. Alas, dry sand does not quench thirst.

Today, I was reaching for a glass of sand when I stopped myself and let the water begin to puddle back up. I hope that soon it will overflow.

 

Walk in Love & Light,

Brenna Gwyn

There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise.

On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone.

Turn your face to the sun.

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Woodsy Wonderlands and Sinful Snacks!

The Little Goddess is sick today. We’re spending the afternoon visiting with one of our wonderful aunts and going on an energizing walk through the forest. Nothing to chase away feeling under the weather like enjoying the weather!

I started taking digestive enzymes this morning to curb my sugar cravings which I’ve been battling with since my pregnancy and it is working enough to amaze me as I gave away my morning cinnamon chip scone because I felt too full to want to even tackle it. I’ve been taking my time to asses what I want from my meal every time I eat and believe this mindfulness should extend to every part of life. Start small, though. I used to drink much more water and much less coffee. Parenthood is a trying marathon of making time for everything from personal maintenance to playtime for both you and your little one.

Off to play in the wild outdoors!

 

The Wanderers Curse.

I still love you.

I love you as much as my gypsy heart will allow. Terrified of being pinned down, terrified of losing adventure. I can’t stand still. I can never stand still. It brings me as much grief as it does joy. I run from anything that feels like chains, anything that might be permanent, but do not think there is not love there.

I wish we were on a beach together, climbing mountains together, or simply having a whirlwind discussion about something meaningful and irrelevant.

You are always with me. Day in, day out. I thought I had escaped only to find you lodged inside of me, a part of me- like a glass sliver in my eye.

I can never shed enough tears to wash it out.

This is why I run, this is why I honor my solitude. I have been called a force of nature. Like a force of nature, I leave destruction in my wake.

I cannot heal.

I can, but mother.

A parent’s torture, to watch the pain unable to stop it.

I want to fly, but not away. I want to soar. I’m looking not leaving, but always lingering where I’ve left.

There are so many things I cannot say.