As you lay sleeping beside me I think of one thing, how to keep you safe. This thought haunts me, as well as tragedies I push off to alternate reality versions of myself, ruthless in my need for your safety as I never have been before. I could weather storms, withstand oceans, deserts, rainforests, love- all for you. You are my darling as I have never known before. A mother’s love- it is not a thing you think on or ponder or wither to and fro about like a romance, it is fact. There is one unwavering all encompassing fact in my life and you are it. Everything else wiggles around. You have become my compass, my north star, my guiding light. You are everything worth anything and my anything worth everything.
I have been waiting my whole life for you.
Now, I wish to feel again like a slim version of personhood. I am designing and delving into my character to create who I was, but a more detailed version of who I am. I am creating. Again.
How I can strive to create something when I have perfection in my grasp is truly what makes me an artist- for the arrogance of my soul must be at fault and yet… I create. I am to be myself again, not as I always was, but better; a witness to perfect, eternal love. You have washed my eyes in the sea and blessed me with air in my drowning gulps of this watery world, teaching me to swim, to breathe, to use my gills and swim free of all those things I left behind… while also being my chain.
You ground me and I thank you for it at the same time I grump on things about things about knowing I must return to my perch right now, tonight, but knowing this place is perfect because you in my arms is perfect, perfection I have been longing for my entire life.
You are my perfection which only makes me treasure your imperfection even stronglier.
I find who I was all along.
I welcome the change.
I am love. I know love. I love.
I have been pleading my whole life with Aphrodite, “make me love, make me love,” I would say, but I turned to Hera to make me love by becoming love by becoming mother, goddess, queen, loved. . . and love.
I snuggle her now in her perfect sleep and listen to the rushing of the water as it washes my soul and I realize that this is perfection. This night- it is perfection. She sleeps- it is perfection. This dream I am awake in- perfection.
This is motherhood.
How can you be so perfect?
(Look at that little smile!)
Of course, shoots and stories and things to come, but I’ve been invested in a new paradigm lately and have been relearning how to invest myself.
Goodnight my Angels
Mama Gwyn Snowe